Working on things - Second guessing everything and fighting the feeling that I am a failure

I've had a lot of mixed feelings the last few weeks, since I pulled Bunny from the Coyote Ridge ride. I feel a bit like a failure. I know that's not logical and that I'm not a failure. I have this crazy idea that if I do everything right (as if that was even possible) that then everything will go well. There are so many flaws with that idea to begin with but somehow I want to believe it. I try so hard to always do my best in everything and endurance is no different.

When I started the sport I read up, learned all I could and did my best to always make wise decisions. It served me well! I was able to move up all the way from 25 mile rides to 100 mile rides. All with no issues. The only pull I had was pulling because I hurt myself and I couldn't ride any more. My horse was great and I worked hard to keep her that way. That was till last fall. I pulled her the last ride of last season and then the first ride of this season.

Now I'm fighting the feeling that I can't do anything right. I thought I had all my things figured out but now I'm unsure. I know it's not all that bad. But I want things to go right, all the time. Unfortunately that just isn't possible.

Little things are now trying to become bigger issues, in my mind a least. Like at the Coyote Ridge ride, my left leg hurt a bit. I think it was because I wore a new pair of tall socks and they were a bit tight, that calf muscle is larger then my right. I ended up with a bit of swelling but once I fixed the sock issue (at the first hold) then I felt fine. But now I wonder, am I not as fit as I should be, I finished 100 miles last summer and felt great, can I do that again or is it all falling apart.

My legs have gotten bigger in general, way to go muscles and now I might need to get a larger pair of half chaps. I feel like I have gone from having everything figured out to being a mess. But that's not reality.

Here's an honest look at where we are at. Let's start with Bunny. She is on her 13^th day of Omeprazole. She has perked up a lot. Just in her overall attitude. She is perky, wants to be turned out every night (she had kind of adopted a ho hum attitude about this), she is eager to be fed verses indifferent, she just seems happier. About a week into her treatment I noticed a dramatic change in her overall. My friend Kandi noticed it to. She commented that Bunny sure looked like she felt good. She became super eager about conditioning, that's about the time we started back into light conditioning. She has been focused and good but has really wanted to go, like she is just having fun.

She has started to eat all of her mash before she moves to hay. Sue Summers had commented to me that their horses who had struggled with ulcers had preferred hay to mash, like it was easier on their stomach. She is eating more hay over all and eating more of the day. Her flank has filled in a bit more, a place she always tends to be a bit gaunt.

Bunny's flank. The crazy things we horseman like to look at. 

Ignore the crazy shedding and the remnant of the batman symbol from last fall  :)

All in all I like what I see and am very encouraged. Bunny has a vet appointment for a yearly check up etc next week so I will chat with the vet again then.

Also going forward I plan to use the legal level of UlcerGard when we travel and compete as a preventative measure for the future.

As far as I go, I think it's just my insecurity talking. I am fine. I am working on my personal fitness more and more. I get more fit each day. It makes sense that from time to time I will need to adjust my wardrobe and equipment. It's a good reminder to always try my stuff before hand. I realized after the fact I hadn't tested those socks on a longer conditioning ride, my bad. So yes, I think I can still ride 100 miles and do a good job of it.

I was planning on doing 100 miles at Mt. Adams, our next ride coming up May 21. In light of everything I have changed my plan. I am going to do a 50 miler. I am going to see how things go for Bunny and how I feel about how she is doing. If I feel like she is 100% then I will do a 100 mile ride at Sunriver four weeks later.

I will feel so much better about everything when we get a good completion under our belt. It gives me a lot of sympathy for those folks who really struggle to get this sport figured out and have a lot of pulls in the process. This is a tough sport and to do really well you need to be able to keep yourself in pretty good working order and your horse in tip top shape, in every way. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, that's a challenge.

In the meantime there are a few more things kicking around in my head, like should I try using less electrolytes? Are they part of the problem? I know I do need a pretty decent amount because I know we can get into trouble with not enough. Should I re-think how I do them? Just things I'm thinking about. I'll let you know what I decide. Currently I am doing what Susan Garlinghouse recommended in her latest talk at the PNER convention, about 1oz of Enduramax or a similar product per hour of work. Dr. Garlinghouse also commented on studies that showed horses did better with smaller doses more frequently. The Summers have a good point that if you do a larger dose, do it in camp after your horse has been eating for a bit. So that's what I do. Small doses (1/4-1/2 oz) on trail and larger doses (about 1 oz) at holds. I mix it with PRO CMC, add honey, ground flax seed and ProBios. Anyhow, I'm leaning toward leaving that and seeing how things go but it has crossed my mind. There are those that use much less electrolytes.

So I'll keep thinking, planning and working and doing the best I can and we will see how Mt. Adams goes.

See you on the trail!